This is post was originally posted on Riproarinrants.com on September 25, 2014 – also my blog – but this is a better home for it : )
Today’s Reflection – is another 10 minute free-writing for the Daily Prompt which was inspired by the beautiful post in the link below. The 10 minute exercise took place in the comments section, which evolved into this more extensive post. Please check out:
It’s like you read my mind!!! For the past week, I have been reflecting upon “significance” … my fancy word for “mattering.” I believe this doubting of worth and feeling as if one is insignificant or doesn’t matter in the world is a major destructive force in humanity, that is really under-valued. (Value in relation to its power) I believe this feeling of insignificance is the very thing that drives so much evil in the world. As you said, when we aren’t being conscious about this particular psychic pain – we are compelled to take it out on ourselves or on people and the world outside our skin – or on both. Eeek!
Here are two of my PSYCHIC STOP-SIGNS – when I am starting to engage in self-hate.
1) Would I say the same things to a friend? HELLLL, no! … So I tell Negative Nellie – to Shut the F- up!
2) I remember a powerful lesson, I learned from initiating an extreme psychological experiment in survival where I was Guinea Pig – numero uno. – About 15 years ago, on a dreary, grey, cold winter day (which is not only trite, but VERY true – it was all those things) 6 months after my divorce, an identity crisis, living in the thick of poverty, missing my old life terribly and not quite sure – what the hell I was doing in this new one : working as an over-educated housecleaner out in the boonies, socially isolated except for two cats… and feeling like SHIT. Not just one thing went wrong with my life, but EVERYTHING went wrong … How could I be such a colossal failure, smart as I supposedly was? And I was punishing, punishing, punishing myself like a sadistic Nazi interrogating a victim about WHY they matter in the world … and when the torture victim refuses or can’t tell him the truth, the Nazi provides yet ANOTHER soul-scorching reason why the victim really DOESN’T deserve to live. (Again – VERY trite … but again really, really very true).
And in between my howling and weeping from my own self-torture, a piercing point of lucidity cut through that crap – like a voice from an angel – and I had the terrifying epiphany that in this state of emotion/mind I couldn’t be entrusted with my very own life. This sort of self-sadistic behavior was me pushing myself toward suicide cliff. (I have never actually arrived there … but I can’t count the times that I have shoved myself toward that edge) And to counteract the lethal thoughts of – “It is so painful and I feel so worthless, I really should end it all. ” I realized something else – Not ONLY did I have the capacity to be self-sadist extraordinaire, but I also had the capacity to be my own redemptive savior. And it was TIME for my savior to kick in – NOW! It was super-self-hero time!
My super-self-hero didn’t get all Ninja on the Nazi self-hating sadist, because that would have just been piling more self-loathing fixings onto my Stinky Sandwich of I-hate-myself-and-my-life. Instead SHH (Super-Self-Hero) offered up some logic … Before you are given the permission to take yourself out, you must gain evidence that you are truly worth nothing, from reputable sources outside yourself.
At the time, I was writing a blog before blogs … somehow a group of about 20 friends (some virtual, and some real-world besties) had committed themselves to receiving my daily reflections which I would forward to them via email.
So I decided to gather the “evidence of worthiness” by sending out my psychic SOS (the pre-suicide cry for help) Informing them, that I urgently needed them to tell me – IF I matter to them (And this, of course was a no-brainer, because why would they be reading my posts if I didn’t .. but this self-hate campaign is delusional after all) and for them to share with me WHY.
I was literally throwing myself – a wretched soul upon their screen begging for mercy. I realized how heartbreakingly vulnerable and awkward an experiment this was – but both SHH and the Nazi assured me that I NEEDED to know the Truth, no matter what. In this, they were both united. And we all waited for the ANSWER to come. Tick-tick-tock. And in this waiting, I started to feel vividly alive, my body tingled with terror … imagining my fall from this grace we call life. Both SHH and the Nazi stood by me in silence, they were as eager as I was to have the outside world provide me with the TRUTH.
The waiting felt, predictably, like a mini-lifetime, but it was really only minutes. Soon missives of cheer and concern started to fill my inbox. My angels in human form were flapping in fast to my rescue. And as I read them I started to weep this time for joy. Because as I read them:
- I KNEW the TRUTH of how much I loved life, even when it is terribly painful, and that I was far more significant than I would EVER know.
- I KNEW that as a beautiful creation fitting into this beautiful life, that I had NO RIGHT to determine myself unworthy because of the simple fact that I didn’t have and would never have all the information.
- The best we can do, is be kind to ourselves, so we can have the inspired strength to cheer each other on, in this magnificent obstacle course called life.
And who knows, someday even a smile shared with a stranger could give them the will to live another day … and for that I am willing to believe whole-heartedly that we ALL matter.
Let’s all take a moment of silence and give ourselves a hug – either on the inside or outside – And tell ourselves – I MATTER to ME – because without ME I would not be alive! WE matter to US, because without US, we would not be alive!
Sending out love and cheer!